Oh, god damn it. She was kind and regretful and seems to still genuinely want to be friends, and I am still as crushed as I can remember. I am wandering around my apartment, alone, alternately staring at the ceiling, shredding small bits of paper, and trying desperately to think of things that might distract me. Writing this isn't really distracting me from anything, but it's better than staring at the ceiling.
She's bound to read this. I'm sorry. It's not meant for you. I'd honestly prefer you didn't read it.
I am so *tired* of being single. This sucks. Could there be any way not to have to go to bed alone tonight? No, no there is not, because I absolutely do not have the emotional energy to spare to even take another chance, even if there was anyone to ask.
I am morally certain we would have been so happy together. She ... didn't feel it. What can you do about that? It is so cruel that there is no way to argue us to a common understanding, to make her see what I see, or at least perhaps make me see that she is right and I have not just lost anything after all.
I don't need commiseration. I need to feel wanted. If you're doing anything fun this week, I could use some invitations, because it's going to suck to be alone.
To mark the new year, I've reset my odometer. 2004 total: 1546 km, just shy of 1000 mi.
Got back on my bike on Saturday, for my now-traditional Patriot's Day Paul Revere ride out the Minuteman and Battle Road to the Old North Bridge. This year I had company (ukelele, chrysaphi, narya, and fanw), and we got a completely beautiful day for it. Warm sun, cool breeze, rivers in flood, crocuses and skunk cabbage pushing fresh green out of the mud.
I was a wimp this year and didn't touch the bike all winter. I was nervous at how much condition I might have lost. After riding, I don't actually know -- all I can say is I can still handle a 60-km loop just fine. Which is good by me -- last year this ride was a big deal. I'm still a bit stiff, but I think that's more the fault of trying to play ultimate Sunday than the bike ride on Saturday.
Weather permitting, we're going back out for another ride this Saturday (Apr 23). The plan is a lakes tour -- starting from Davis, around Fresh Pond, out Concord Ave and up bad boy Belmont Hill. Then over to Totten Pond Rd, around beautiful Cambridge Reservoir, and out past Sandy Pond to Walden Pond. Home via Concord, part of Battle Rd that we missed last week, Mill St and Marrett Rd to the bike path. Optionally we could add five miles from Arlington Centre by finishing with a loop around the Mystic Lakes.
I don't know the exact distance that adds up to, but it'll be comparable to last week but a bit more rolling. And it includes Belmont Hill.
We'd love more company. Anyone interested, let me know!
We checked all the forecasts for today, and they all said some variation on "chance of showers". Well, we have rain gear. We're tough. You don't get to pick your weather. fanw and zsquirrelboy and I decided to go for it.
The rain started about ten minutes in, got serious five minutes after that, and did not let up. We rode around Fresh Pond and out Concord Ave and by the time we got to Belmont Hill we were drenched. The rain was steady, soaking, and unrelenting. My shoes squished, my shorts were saturated, and my gloves (actually, zsquirrelboy's, who was prepared enough to have brought two pair) were sodden. I insisted on doing the Belmont Hill climb since we'd gone and made it there, but after that we bailed on the remaining two thirds of the ride and took Pleasant St back to Arlington Centre. All told we were an hour and half out in the rain, and it didn't let up until a safe half hour after we'd been chased like rats back to our boltholes.
But, things I learned: