2003 August 13

Horror couture

Daragh Sankey goes off on how important it is that vampires maintain a sense of style:

Vampire Eye for the Straight Guy: Vampires at least have the ability to select their wardrobe, unlike most of the horror races. Werewolves don't get to wear any clothes at all, nor do they even remember what happened, which makes them the horror equivalent of binge-drinking streakers. Zombies are too fucking dumb to think about clothes, and I can assume ghosts perpetually sport the outfit they wore to their unjust demise, which is a shame, and they must pine for a good pair of hauntin' slacks - something that doesn't chafe the gut. Ghouls, ghasts, wraiths, etc.: too small-market to matter. They should wear uniforms so we can tell them apart. Demons go buff to show off their wings n' horns n' suchlike, as would I, or they take human form for the purposes of tempting so-and-so with the ability to really shred that axe, or the obscure-yet-still-evil real estate deal, and in those cases their attire is dictated by the job (which is a shame since velour tracksuits would probably look great on demons, too, but there are only so many Puffys to tempt). Serial killers - do they even count as a horror race? If so, we know they're stuck in the gutter with the trenchcoats and sweatpant / boot combo, everything wrinkled from sleeping in the van or the basement, exception being dude from American Psycho, but he's a one-off type deal. You're really in your own class, vampires, so dress accordingly.

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